16.4.16

QOTW


"and like the moon,
she had a side of her 
so dark, that even the stars 
couldn't shine on it; 
she had a side of her 
so cold, that even the sun
couldn't burn on it" 
-abigail j

Hello my lovelies.

It has been a long time since I have posted a quote of the week, I saw this one today and it totally suits how I am feeling. 

I am very good at faking that I am doing great, so good in fact a lot of my close friends can't even tell if I'm fine or not unless I tell them. I know I could just reach out to talk to them, they'd listen, they always do but I hate being a burden, especially when I feel like my "problems" or feelings really don't have much reasoning. 

I suffer from anxiety. Not severe anxiety but anxiety, nonetheless. It's always there at the pit of my stomach, bubbling and wanting to take hold of my entire body. It's a sitting monster in my head whispering stupid nothings into my head. It makes me feel helpless and sad and can turn any good day bad in a snap of its fingers. 

I find that I can go months without it and then all of a sudden its there and becomes an unwelcome guest who never wants to leave. This last month that guest has stuck around and it's the most frustrating person in the entire world. This "anxious Kathy" just seems to want to hang around and she really has no reason to be here. My life is not bad, I don't have any troubles, I have a great family, an amazing fiancé, good friends, all the things you need to be happy I simply have. Yet, for some absurd reason I suffer from this internal demon who just won't screw off. 

I am constantly reminding myself day in and day out that life is good, that it's okay and that I'm okay. It's a daily fight. I am grateful that this anxiety doesn't stop my life. There are some who can't leave their homes or even their beds. There are days that I definitely don't want to but I'm a fighter. I won't allow it. I won't stop my life for this unwelcome guest. I keep on trekking. I push through it every single day and I'm damn proud of it. Life is hard for everyone. Everyone has their own battles and I urge you to be kind, to be understanding and to be present. Sometimes a call, a hug or an understanding ear is all that someone needs to feel okay again. Sometimes that person may sound like a broken record but thats okay. They need to talk about it, get it off their chests and that will most certainly make them feel better. I promise, I know from experience. 

I know that this anxiety will ease and hopefully soon she'll finally pack her beds and head out, she'll probably say "see you later" and thats alright. I am stronger than she ever will be. I have a support system that helps me greatly. I am lucky. I am blessed. 

I am bigger than my anxiety. 


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