30.10.15

to my past


When problems tried to get fixed but instead the wrong thing is said and it just leads to a bigger problem, it becomes a snowball effect. I am not perfect. I have my flaws, I have been a bad friend in the past and I've owned up to that. Sometimes my honesty is bigger than me, I believe that there is such thing as being too honest because no one ever really wants to hear the whole truth. Because the truth isn't always pretty, it can be ugly and hurtful. If there's one thing I wish that I can hold back its my tongue, this damn tongue of mine can get me into trouble.

I was taught that honesty is the best policy but what if that honesty leads to the pain of someone else, someone who can't handle it? What do you do then? Do you just smile and say that everything is okay? Do you just fake it? That's my problem. I physically can't. If I am upset with someone I will tell them. If I am hurt by someone I will let them know it. Often times I try to do it nicely but sometimes I can also do it harshly, I can be mean and hurtful. That is the defence mechanism that I use. You want to hurt me? Let me show you how I can hurt you more. It's not the right way to do things at all but after years of bullying and being let down its what I learned to do and it's something I need to learn to undo. Because I do not want to be that person. I am better than that. I know that I am.

Everyone makes choices, your life is filled with them you can choose to do the right thing or the wrong thing. Although you may have your reasons for the choices you made, you need to also learn that they were your decisions and you have to be okay with the outcome from them. I chose to pull myself out of an equation that was harming my well being, I was becoming a bitter and ugly soul and I did not want to be that person. I chose to walk away from a situation in which I felt at this moment was best for me.

Life throws at you things that you can handle, in my current situation I know that I can handle it. I am pissed off  but I am also incredibly sad. Sad because I tried to fix something that had been broken a long time ago and it got to a point that it was damaged beyond repair. Sad that I lost someone who I thought was important to me. Sad that who I thought that person was, was all a lie.

I read a quote online that 100% explained how I have been feeling this last week, it said:

 "I'm not crying because of you: You're not worth it. I'm crying because my delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are." 

I think I will leave you with that quote, there is not much left to say. This blog is my outlet and although I try to keep it as positive as I can sometimes I need to remind myself that life isn't all daisies and butterflies. Life can be painful but it is also beautiful and real. Once you let go of the negative you can see how beautiful it can be. 


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