21.3.15

QOTW and a little Essay


Hello friends! 

I have obviously been absent from the blog lately. I haven't been feeling like myself and have been going through a difficult time. It's hard to put it out there because I honestly don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling but I truly believe that in order for me to feel better I need to write it out.

For years I have had mild anxiety and mild panic attacks here and there but nothing that I couldn't control. I try to be a very positive person, I am always there when a friend needs to be picked up, always available to give you some advice and always trying to be happy but lately this just isn't the case. 

I do not want to define what I have as depression because believe me I know that it is a serious mental illness and what I am going through is no where near as severe as some unfortunately suffer. I am very privileged and I cannot complain about my life but here I am feeling defeated and tired of these stupid feelings. 

For a good few weeks I have been walking around like a zombie, I feel a huge weight on my chest and the urge to cry at any moment. I don't really understand why but the feelings are there. 

I am very hard on myself. I will nit pick and judge every little aspect of myself, yet I know that I'm great and a little conceded too ha! I don't really understand my way of thinking, it's like one part of my brain tells myself that I'm awesome and funny and pretty and theres the other side that tells me I'm not good enough, I'm a failure and I'm ugly. The asshole side of my brain has been getting the best of me. 

I am not writing this out because I am looking for attention. I am putting this out here so that when I finally break free from this ridiculous rut I can look back and remember how I felt and how far I have come because I know that these feelings do not define me.

Every morning and every night I remind myself that my life is beautiful, filled with love and that I am worth it. My heart goes out to those who suffer from severe depression and severe anxiety. I can't begin to imagine what they go through but I can say that these past few weeks have been more than enough to show me that it is a serious issue. My family has been so supportive and Brent has been unbelievable, anytime I need to lean on them they have been there for me. I am so grateful to have such a strong supportive system and it makes me so sad to know that there are people suffering on their own. 

If this blog happens to be seen by anyone going through a difficult time please remember that you are loved. If you need anyone to speak to I am always here to talk, you are not alone.

I have made myself a promise, I will prove to myself that I am better than these feelings and I will shut the asshole side of my brain up, once and for all. 

Here's to working on myself, for myself, by myself. I will overcome these demons. I know I will. 

Thank you for listening to me and I hope that you truly have a wonderful weekend! 



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